Astronauts for Hire! …by NASA!© (to the tune of “By Mennen”)
The tragic unemployment of a crew of elite globe-circlers trained in mechanics, astrophysics, engineering, and drinking bubbles of floating water means YOU now have the opportunity to hire a bona fide astronaut to do your chores, errands, child care, and other less than savory tasks. They’ll walk your dog, clean your house, keep your old folks company.
Astronaut for Hire: So, Gramps, you walked to school six miles each way uphill in the snow? I know how you feel! Have I ever told you about the time I ran out of oxygen 238,000 miles from home?
They’ll personally test the functionality of your tumble dryer. They’ll take your kids on the Gravitron operated by the drunk carnie at the sketchy county fair.
Astronaut for Hire: As a veteran of the Vomit Comet zero-gravity simulator, I’m uniquely prepared to deal with rickety and possibly prolonged rides on roller coasters that have been around longer than Space Shuttle Columbia.
Our Astronaut Escort Service will provide a dinner companion overflowing with witty comments for your next office party.
Astronaut for Hire: Newton’s gravitational law? That’s so twentieth century. How bout them Higgs Bosons?
Sexy Lady: (dreamily) What a space cadet!
Our astronauts even offer therapy.
Astronaut: Charlene, I hear you saying that you feel overeducated, overspecialized, underemployed, and possibly obsolete. I empathize with that. But Charlene: the world’s just a tiny, blue marble. So… what does that make us?
Astronauts for Hire!
Astronaut: We’re out of this world! …Well, we were.